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Hi Harlan,
I’m looking for advice on what else to tell my daughter. She is in her first year of college. The first day in class, she shared textbooks with a young man, who has since decided to pursue her. My daughter isn’t used to this sort of attention and has been dodging him, though it is difficult since he is in three of her classes. When she asked me for advice, I suggested she be straight with him and say something like “Look, I get the feeling that you are hoping a relationship will develop here, but it won’t, and you are making me uncomfortable with all of this attention.” Is there more I should be saying?
Hi Helpful Mom,
You’re a wise mom. I’d also suggest that your daughter give Textbook Boy some direction following the rejection. If she wants a friendship, she can make it clear that she wants to be friends, but not his girlfriend. If she wants to focus on her academics, she can make it clear that she’s focused on learning, not loving. If she doesn’t want to focus on herself, she should make it clear that she’s flying solo. If this guy isn’t good at handling her rejection (or redirection), suggest that she blame her lack of interest on something unrelated to him, which can soften the impact (not all boys can handle rejection). One last thing – she can also direct him to the bookstore. Maybe he’s not as interested in her as she thinks – he might just want her for her textbooks (they’re expensive).
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good advice! a note to add: if the young man continues to “pursue” the daughter, she should talk to her hall coordinator or the Dean and report the behavior. there’s of course a difference between asking someone out and stalking them, but especially since she has class with him she should feel comfortable and safe going without having to respond to his advances!